I know you are wondering why I didn't take advantage of the Gunung Kinabalu Kingdom's opportunities, the Warrior Farm's technology, or at least seek help from the too-many-to-count assistants that the previous king had.
I don't even know what to tell you; the problem was that everything happened too fast. I didn't even have the opportunity to think about acquiring some advice or assistance. On the other hand, I was preoccupied with the shining bodies I met along the way—the true stars of this distant land—and I simply couldn't resist their dangerous game. And if I'd tried, my anaconda would have stopped me.
I thought about all that, as well as Margaret, my mother, the hippie captain, and my enemy Arcadio, while hanging upside down on an abandoned piece of the field far beyond the borders of the Warrior Farm. I knew that shouting wouldn't help in any way, so I decided to surrender to the will of fate—I stopped breathing.
And in the end, I was so resigned to my fate that I wasn't paying attention when Madame Jack approached my tree, coming from nowhere, and began to poke his gross face into my sweaty hair.
I shuddered and swung like a pendulum. My whole body began to vibrate from the horrors of what was to come next...
After a couple of minutes, the old rope snapped. My heart stopped: my body fell right on Madame Jack's head, crushing him and turning him into a tiny pancake. I was smeared in his thick, greasy blood and hair until I looked like a vampire.
Upon closer inspection of his insides, I realized he was a perfectly built biological robot. Despite the terrifying sight of the trampled, burned-out earth around me and a bloody pool under the tree, I somehow brushed myself off, and with my hands still tied behind my back, started to run along the edge of the field, hobbling on one leg, hiding between trees and bushes.
Tormented like a blind puppy, I stumbled into something soft, warm, and pleasant after several hours of exhausting running. My lifeline turned out to be the breasts of my old friend—Ms. Sedative.
I know you'll be surprised to hear that, my friend... I was surprised just as you are right now, but my silent anaconda lifted its head and whispered, "I'm getting sex-starved here. I could go through a wall right now. Couldn't you?"
Odd lustfulness oppressed me. I tried to focus my attention on the ramblings of the worried Ms. Sedative but failed to maintain it. She untied my hands, and they immediately began to explore her silky skin, platinum-colored hips, and confident lips smelling of coffee. An orgasm of fire twisted my heart: it drained the strength out of my body, controlled by my passion.
My anaconda transformed my fears into magnificent sensations; despite the emotion of some alienness, or better said, the feeling of not belonging to this woman, moment, or journey, I continued our 'chat' on the soggy dirt as a crazy fanatic.
Little by little, I slowed down. I felt curiously disgusted with the darkness my anaconda possessed: a piece of dead flesh, really, the non-existent friend.
"I thought you were dead, Bullet. Does Mrs. Vegas know you are alive?" Ms. Sedative asked.
"I don't know. I have to find the box with the bacteriophages first..."
"All right. Now? And what then?"
"I'll explain to you later. I want you to go back to my castle and…," I stopped.
Ms. Sedative rubbed her perfect hands against my exhausted anaconda: "I think I'm pregnant, Bullet."
I pulled her face closer to mine, shocked. "We haven't known each other that long, and I can't get married right now. I'm in the process of marrying Mrs. Vegas; then, I've got one more wife, or widow, Mrs. Sweet Hellfire."
"Um, I wouldn't mind being married to you. And I don't need to know you for a long time. I know what you're like already, darling Bullet."
"Hm, I dunno about one more wife." I paused for a moment, passed a hand over my wet forehead, and wiped my damp fingers on the grass pile behind her back.
Ms. Sedative looked surprised. "You should be more like Arcadio Hardstone! He always takes an interest in serious questions like this!"
"What? Have you said to that maniac I'm the father?"
"Yes. And Arcadio promised he's going to kill you… I don't know why. I didn't ask him; we were too busy," Ms. Sedative giggled.
I gazed at her pretty face without replying. She glanced behind my back, shook her head, and smiled. At that moment, I could smell the familiar odor of Etro Bananas Tisstoni perfume. Ms. Sedative's crew approached us.
The last time I met her gang, it nearly gave me diarrhea. But I'm romantic; I need a real punch in the solar plexus to stop me from feeling excited and ready for action.
"I thought we were alone. What are they doing here?" I asked bitterly.
"We all need friends to lean on. They can help you to find your box." Ms. Sedative smiled.
I accepted the help. I'd stopped wondering whether the girls were good or evil a long time ago. It didn't matter a damn after the news I'd just gotten. I suddenly felt as if I'd turned into a giant—I was going to be a dad! I felt absurdly happy.
While waiting for the ladies to come closer, the new, almost rhapsodical thrill aroused in me again. I smiled at the coral sunset light and asked my spindle in a low voice, "How long does it take them to discover your magic, Bonehead?"
WANT TO LISTEN?
Bullets Adventure Chapter 35
0:00
/369.4236734693878
Something Happened. We wrote it down. You should probably come see what went wrong...
Nura and Gail arrive at a new crime scene where the clues are strange, the victim’s eyebrows are missing again, and the case is starting to feel deeply personal. As the investigation unfolds, Nura grows more convinced that something far more disturbing is happening beneath the surface.
This post explores how modern life leaves your brain overloaded with “junk data” from news, notifications, and screens, and why that constant clutter fuels anxiety, brain fog, and exhaustion
Welcome to the serialized story of Mr. Harmless Bullet! For the audio version - scroll down. Genre: satire, absurdist comedy, adult humor (16+)
Written with the Tristan Tzara method - read about it here
Complete story, chapter by chapter:
CHAPTER 35. THE JUNGLE REVELATION
I know you are wondering why I didn't take advantage of the Gunung Kinabalu Kingdom's opportunities, the Warrior Farm's technology, or at least seek help from the too-many-to-count assistants that the previous king had.
I don't even know what to tell you; the problem was that everything happened too fast. I didn't even have the opportunity to think about acquiring some advice or assistance. On the other hand, I was preoccupied with the shining bodies I met along the way—the true stars of this distant land—and I simply couldn't resist their dangerous game. And if I'd tried, my anaconda would have stopped me.
I thought about all that, as well as Margaret, my mother, the hippie captain, and my enemy Arcadio, while hanging upside down on an abandoned piece of the field far beyond the borders of the Warrior Farm. I knew that shouting wouldn't help in any way, so I decided to surrender to the will of fate—I stopped breathing.
I thought, "The birds are shitting on me? Why not? They're welcome to! Am I hungry and cold? Whatever. The sooner I die, the better."
And in the end, I was so resigned to my fate that I wasn't paying attention when Madame Jack approached my tree, coming from nowhere, and began to poke his gross face into my sweaty hair.
I shuddered and swung like a pendulum. My whole body began to vibrate from the horrors of what was to come next...
After a couple of minutes, the old rope snapped. My heart stopped: my body fell right on Madame Jack's head, crushing him and turning him into a tiny pancake. I was smeared in his thick, greasy blood and hair until I looked like a vampire.
Upon closer inspection of his insides, I realized he was a perfectly built biological robot. Despite the terrifying sight of the trampled, burned-out earth around me and a bloody pool under the tree, I somehow brushed myself off, and with my hands still tied behind my back, started to run along the edge of the field, hobbling on one leg, hiding between trees and bushes.
Tormented like a blind puppy, I stumbled into something soft, warm, and pleasant after several hours of exhausting running. My lifeline turned out to be the breasts of my old friend—Ms. Sedative.
I know you'll be surprised to hear that, my friend... I was surprised just as you are right now, but my silent anaconda lifted its head and whispered, "I'm getting sex-starved here. I could go through a wall right now. Couldn't you?"
Odd lustfulness oppressed me. I tried to focus my attention on the ramblings of the worried Ms. Sedative but failed to maintain it. She untied my hands, and they immediately began to explore her silky skin, platinum-colored hips, and confident lips smelling of coffee. An orgasm of fire twisted my heart: it drained the strength out of my body, controlled by my passion.
My anaconda transformed my fears into magnificent sensations; despite the emotion of some alienness, or better said, the feeling of not belonging to this woman, moment, or journey, I continued our 'chat' on the soggy dirt as a crazy fanatic.
Little by little, I slowed down. I felt curiously disgusted with the darkness my anaconda possessed: a piece of dead flesh, really, the non-existent friend.
"I thought you were dead, Bullet. Does Mrs. Vegas know you are alive?" Ms. Sedative asked.
"I don't know. I have to find the box with the bacteriophages first..."
"All right. Now? And what then?"
"I'll explain to you later. I want you to go back to my castle and…," I stopped.
Ms. Sedative rubbed her perfect hands against my exhausted anaconda: "I think I'm pregnant, Bullet."
I pulled her face closer to mine, shocked. "We haven't known each other that long, and I can't get married right now. I'm in the process of marrying Mrs. Vegas; then, I've got one more wife, or widow, Mrs. Sweet Hellfire."
"Um, I wouldn't mind being married to you. And I don't need to know you for a long time. I know what you're like already, darling Bullet."
"Hm, I dunno about one more wife." I paused for a moment, passed a hand over my wet forehead, and wiped my damp fingers on the grass pile behind her back.
Ms. Sedative looked surprised. "You should be more like Arcadio Hardstone! He always takes an interest in serious questions like this!"
"What? Have you said to that maniac I'm the father?"
"Yes. And Arcadio promised he's going to kill you… I don't know why. I didn't ask him; we were too busy," Ms. Sedative giggled.
I gazed at her pretty face without replying. She glanced behind my back, shook her head, and smiled. At that moment, I could smell the familiar odor of Etro Bananas Tisstoni perfume. Ms. Sedative's crew approached us.
The last time I met her gang, it nearly gave me diarrhea. But I'm romantic; I need a real punch in the solar plexus to stop me from feeling excited and ready for action.
"I thought we were alone. What are they doing here?" I asked bitterly.
"We all need friends to lean on. They can help you to find your box." Ms. Sedative smiled.
I accepted the help. I'd stopped wondering whether the girls were good or evil a long time ago. It didn't matter a damn after the news I'd just gotten. I suddenly felt as if I'd turned into a giant—I was going to be a dad! I felt absurdly happy.
While waiting for the ladies to come closer, the new, almost rhapsodical thrill aroused in me again. I smiled at the coral sunset light and asked my spindle in a low voice, "How long does it take them to discover your magic, Bonehead?"
WANT TO LISTEN?
Something Happened. We wrote it down. You should probably come see what went wrong...
Read Next
An Invisible Aphra Behn: Woman, Spy, Writer
About the mysterious and exciting aspects of Aphra Behn's life
Eyebrow Killer. Chapter 9
Nura and Gail arrive at a new crime scene where the clues are strange, the victim’s eyebrows are missing again, and the case is starting to feel deeply personal. As the investigation unfolds, Nura grows more convinced that something far more disturbing is happening beneath the surface.
Bullet's Adventure: Chasing Sobekneferu - chapter 34
Remember the old saying, "Tough times don't last; tough people do?" In the next few hours, Bullet confirmed that these words were true
Full of Crap? How to Clean Your Brain Without Losing Your Mind
This post explores how modern life leaves your brain overloaded with “junk data” from news, notifications, and screens, and why that constant clutter fuels anxiety, brain fog, and exhaustion