Mitochondria Madness & Other Drama: Surprisingly Useful Health Advice for the 40+ Who Are Still Alive, Breathing and Can Read

Mitochondria Madness Other Drama

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After posting this article, I plan to go outside and exercise for 20–30 minutes. Probably a full-body workout. And no, not because I enjoy feeling like an overheated toaster. I’m just trying to keep my mitochondria happy — because if they’re the “powerhouse of the cell,” the least I can do is give them an awesome party instead of slowly suffocating them at my desk or TV 24/7. 

And you should do the same... 

What is that “mitochondria” doing to your body, and why can’t you make it healthy by binge-watching a new Netflix series and snacking on a bag of organic, 10-spoonful-of-sugar-and-salt chips made from zero potatoes? I don’t know. I’m perplexed, too. Can’t those darn mitochondria just enjoy a movie with us? 

I should admit that I’m a bit of a health geek. By “geek,” I mean I open YouTube once a year, search for a “0-minute fat-burning workout,” and watch it with a lot of enthusiasm… cuz the most important thing is your body thinks you're working out. I keep 75 different workout apps just for that, too. I love to open it from time to time and fool my mitochondria — look, dammit, here is your sweat you need to survive. Happy now?

What?! You don’t keep any apps at all? You might actually be onto something...

After all, as my neighbor usually says (while unwrapping a third piece of chocolate before my eyes), being a health geek is all about embracing sweat-inducing activities — no matter where they come from. Exercise, stress, spicy food, or an intense commitment to dessert… sweat is sweat. Who am I to argue with science?

So between juggling all my jobs and hosting my mother, who visits for “a short stay,” meaning roughly the length of a minor geological era (two months… yes, two whole months… no, seriously, can a human survive that?) — I’ve been doing what any overwhelmed, slightly confused health enthusiast would do:

Reading.
A lot.

Old books, new books, books that promise a longer life, a better life, a happier life, and possibly a life where my mitochondria finally stop judging me. At this point, I’ve read so much about health that I’m not sure if I’m improving my immortality or just preparing for a very well-informed existence while doing absolutely nothing differently.

So what can we do differently?

Turns out, scrolling the internet until your thumb gives up and launching a successful Substack may not be the answer. Yeah... shocking, I know. Unless your plan is to stay on good terms with the AI overlords, in which case you might want to invite Genesis — by Henry A. Kissinger, Craig Mundie, and Eric Schmidt — to the party.
Or, if you prefer your existential dread served with a side of elegance, there’s Michael Pollan’s A World Appears: A Journey Into Consciousness, which reads like a beautifully written invitation to question your own reality.

Both books are the kind of reads that make you stare into the wall and wonder if you are alive... In other words, it's a blast. To be honest, they're so strange, deep, and a bit unsettling that they feel scarier than a Stephen King novel.

It seems we won’t need any mitochondria at all soon; we’ll just slowly, politely, and with alarming confidence migrate into AI. Then all our troubles will vanish — along with our creativity, our health span, and probably our ability to make a sunny-side-up egg without a tutorial.

The only problem left will be how not to die from the tiny chip in our heads. Or from stupidity. Mostly stupidity... Because honestly, how foolish do you have to be to willingly let a glowing little algorithm live inside your skull and whisper updates to your personality? At that point, you’re not evolving — you’re just becoming a sandwich with opinions.

A few even more absurd alternatives for the future:

• It seems mitochondria will soon be retired, and humanity will be powered entirely by AI, fear, and bad decisions.
• The only remaining challenge will be not dying from the chip in our heads, which is very embarrassing since we were warned by every science fiction movie ever made.

I also listen to many health podcasts — a realm where every self-proclaimed guru (okay, sometimes they are scientists) with a microphone is ready to dish out life-changing advice. Thank goodness for these incredible sages, because without them, who would tell us how many grams of Cordyceps mushroom (or raw dairy) we really need to gulp down before we're officially recognized as immortals? 

I don’t know about you, but with each new episode, my skepticism grows faster than the popularity of the next fad diet. 

I mean… have you seen some of these podcast hosts? They don't exactly scream "Dorian Gray” of perfect health. And then there are those unfortunate times when one of them suddenly, hm… dies. Way too early and way too healthy. I'm not sure about you, but that raises my eyebrows. 

I once told my mother about these health enthusiasts, the ones who seem convinced they’ve discovered the ancient password to eternal vitality. She waved it off and said, “Some people look exactly the same kind of old in their 10s as they do in their 90s. It’s just microneedling and laser resurfacing…”

And honestly, she may be right. These people are like nature’s own glitch in the system — ageless, mysterious, and kinda scary. You can never quite tell whether they just finished a graduate seminar or personally witnessed the invention of fire. They have the eerie calm of someone who has survived every decade since the beginning of Homo sapiens (plus a few bonus lives).

Maybe that’s immortality!

Or maybe it’s just very expensive skincare and a deep emotional refusal to age like the rest of us?

Well... doesn't matter, because none of that explains why they sometimes drop dead anyway. Which is a bit rude, guys, really... If you’re going to look 34 forever, the least you can do is commit to that bit.

So next time you see one of those immortal, glowing shadows jogging through the park while you’re sitting on the bench trying to recover from watching all five seasons of "Person of Interest" TV show (on Netflix) in 24 hours, remember this:

Everything is just a number.
Especially age.
Especially heart rate.
And especially how many episodes you said you’d watch before bed.

Whether they’ve discovered the fountain of antioxidants in their kitchen or are secretly floating on a potion made from stem cells, red sauna steam, and the tears of Norwegian boys, we could all stand to learn a thing or two from them...

The rule #1 is simple: move. Your mitochondria like motion. They get very cross when you sit still too long, wondering why your body has turned into a sofa.

Rule #2 is sleep. Proper sleep. The kind where your mitochondria can finally dim the lights and stop taking customer complaints from your partner or kids.

Do those two things often enough, and you’ll be fine. Or at least fine in the very modern sense of the word, which means "not dead yet."

BUT in the sea of experts, you have to be street-smart, right? Because not every shiny piece of advice is a golden nugget — some of it is basically a one-way ticket to feeling sick, or, in the best case, depressed.

That’s not the case with Dr. Suhas Kshirsagar, who seems to know the ancient secret: to change your life and begin radiating something approaching Martian sexuality, all you really need to do is change your schedule. That’s it. Not your personality, not your genes, not your entire relationship with coffee — just change your schedule. Why? Maybe because the body is less a complex biological system and more like a calendar with feelings?

So here’s his advice in 4 steps:

1. Wake up like a civilized mammal (6 am), not a sad raccoon. Exercise for 30 minutes.
2. Eat at the right time, because your organs love punctuality. Dinner at the latest 6:30 pm.
3. Sleep on schedule, so your mitochondria can stop filing complaints. Do not watch TV or use the internet after 8 pm. Go to bed between 10 and 11 pm.
4. Repeat until you accidentally become a glowing, well-adjusted person.

Easy, right? By the way, I know a man (real story, no lies) who was afraid of being even 1 minute late for lunch because if he was even 1 minute late, he would never get a chance to eat. This is how his mother ruled the house until she died at age 102. 

It might be (just my wild guess) that Dr. Suhas Kshirsagar got an even stricter mother. As they say, whatever works to keep you healthy… 

Of course, let’s not forget the stack of books by Ben Greenfield, where the science seems to change faster than you can take a breath. And no, I’m not trying to be funny here at all. This is a completely serious post! It’s just that the facts appear to be evolving so damn quickly... no wonder so many people are confused about their health. But that’s not Ben's fault — he’s just another casualty of science.

Ahh, I can’t even begin to describe how much I love those health articles in scientific magazines, where the only thing that stays the same is change itself, and the most essential accessory is a crystal ball.

A couple of years ago, we were told to avoid multivitamins because they might make us die faster. But then, about 15 days ago, the very same science took a dramatic turn and decided multivitamins might actually help us live longer.

Hm, how amazing is that?
Immortality now comes in chewable form!

The same with Nutrition and Diet books out there in the wild, wild web… It’s basically a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure where each next page is more strange than the last. One book tells you to juice kale like it’s holy water for your soul. Another book claims that the same kale is quietly damaging your thyroid, irritating your gut, and probably stealing your mitochondria... By page 200, you’re unsure whether to make a smoothie, call an exorcist, or file a restraining order against it.

 Let's be honest: keeping up with these ever-changing facts is even more exhausting than going to the gym... which they also say you might not need to do anymore — unless it’s Monday or New Year again. Then it’s back on! Hurry up!

But let’s not blame anyone. Ben Greenfield is just wandering through this labyrinth of “cutting‑edge” science like the rest of us, bumping into new studies every five minutes. So go ahead, grab a couple of his never‑ending books and cannonball into the ocean of facts with a smile on your face and an extra‑large pinch of salt in your diet (only if salt hasn’t been banned this week again... because why not? do we need any reason?).

What? You somehow already understand all of this? Whoa! Congratulations — you’re officially more qualified than at least half the internet. People are out there writing 500‑page books about this stuff and recording 1‑hour “this will change everything in your sad life” podcasts.

There’s NO WAY you’d already know all of it!
How is that even possible?
Are you the mysterious guru everyone keeps quoting but no one has ever actually seen in person — the nutritional Bigfoot of the wellness world?

Mondafil, caraterus manchovious, carbpretghrl, permerlderl. 

You wonder what those words are? They’re the fancy spells we health geeks chant to make you question your entire existence while we stand there pretending to glow with radioactive charisma.
Or, you know, maybe we’re just tossing jargon at you in the hope that you’ll be too stunned (or even mildly concussed) to notice that we barely understand half of what we just said.

Now let’s get back to mitochondria, because this is where I started, right? It seems that thing inside our cells decides how long and healthy we’ll live, and mitochondria love it when you… read and follow my website. Obviously. That’s just basic bioenergetics.

I don’t know why, but I often wonder: is mitochondria a she? Or he? A whole choir of tiny, overcaffeinated theys? How many are there exactly — millions, trillions, an army? But I'll tell you, if your mitochondria is a she, dude, do not make her mad. You think a bad Wi‑Fi connection can ruin your day? Try irritating the literal powerhouse of your cells!

On the bright side: if you move enough, you might dodge the whole “frailty syndrome and brittle bones after 50” package, which is basically the physical equivalent of your body sending you a formal resignation letter. If you skip that, odds are you’ll live a longer and less creaky life.

And that’s what we all secretly want, yes? We don’t want to die.

Speaking of not dying: have you seen Bryan Johnson’s “Don’t Die” movement? I tried his protocol, and let’s just say it did not go quite as advertised. More on that delightful disaster later… because right now, I’m heading outside, and you can’t stop me.

No app, no excuse, no tragic Netflix cliffhanger — nothing! I’m going... Move, mitochondria, move...

Please take care of your health, and I’ll check on you tomorrow...   

I’ve been poking around in No Clue Land website, moving things, adding things, and generally pretending I have some plan... Three new DEPARTMENTS have appeared: TRAPPED IN FLESH (a tribute to the weirdness of having a body), WRITERS UNDER OBSERVATION (notes about writers and writing styles), SOMETHING HAPPENED (serialized fiction: crime or comedy).

Newsletter - sends once a week (it will be mostly about health - from Trapped in Flesh Department). Side effects may include mild discomfort, and the sudden urge to Google your own organs or new words.

All other posts you can check during the week.