Bullet's Adventure: Chasing Sobekneferu - chapter 23
A “corporate robot” or a more “unhinged panda genius in a tiny red hat”? Meet the ruler of the Warrior Farm.
Welcome to the serialized story of Mr. Harmless Bullet! For the audio version - scroll down. Genre: satire, absurdist comedy, adult humor (16+)
Written with the Tristan Tzara method - read about it here
Complete story, chapter by chapter:
Angela Marrant
CHAPTER 23. Alphonso Beard, or how to become a leader
Someone shook my hand calmly and methodically, as if testing my reaction to the surrounding reality, which had been so indescribably sad in the previous days that, finally, I was ready to surrender and accept the tragedy that foreshadowed my "miserable" future at the Warrior Farm.
I grabbed the new guest's arm with my trembling hands. When my eyes leveled on the face of a powerful intruder in my dining room, a scream froze on my lips. His head was fully covered by an animated panda mask. A mask that would be authentic were it not for the odd glasses and a small, red, funny hat on the top of the panda's head. The man laughed, pushing my sticky hands away from his spotless suit.
The panda-man said, "For Apollon's sake, shut the fuck up, will you? My name is Alphonso Beard; I've been waiting to meet you, Mr. Harmless. I've wanted to thank you for your brave decision to access the sick in our closed community of fearless warriors. We, the people of Gunung Kinabalu, can't tell you how much that means to us." He paused, then went to the opposite wall and pressed two invisible buttons. The sides of the wall moved apart, and to my surprise, he entered the most gorgeous library in the world.
The room was about 378 feet long and 411 feet wide, with barrel-vaulted ceilings shaped like a flower. The floor was covered in multicolored tiles.
"I have something for you," the mask continued, pulling out an oddly shaped book from the endless shelves. "I wrote that in the first month of my arrival at the Warrior Farm. Since then, I have never stopped writing… Of course, I had some necessary breaks with all the excitement of never-ending love affairs and the LKED issues, but this town would never survive without me. I am the opposite of chaos!"
The library room housed 18,000 volumes of Alphonso Beard's books on every topic of life, such as science, medicine, philosophy, sex, the military, and law. I looked at the titles on the covers: How to Act Like a King, How to Play on People's Need to Believe if You Want to Create a Cult-like Following, How to Fool Your Wife, Colleague, Companion, or Enemy.
"Are they all how-to books?" I asked, intrigued by the titles.
"Yes. Is it that obvious?" Alphonso laughed.
It seemed the man behind the mask was thrilled by my reaction.
"How to Enjoy Life on Warrior Farm: Guide for Dr. Harmless. Chapter 1: Be the only one who can do what you do. The more people want you, the freer you are. Make people depend on you for their health, happiness, or prosperity… and you have nothing to fear," I read aloud on one of the books.
"Ahhh... this booklet is my welcome gift to you," the ruler of the town added. "Because believe it or not, you are really one of the nicest doctors I've ever met. And we've had a few in the past half-year."
"What happened to the previous doctors?" I asked.
"They died."
"What if I die, too?"
"Well… I'll miss you. We all will."
Alphonso Beard was eager to share his achievements with me: he was the one who loved to brag, play, and kill. He invited me to visit one of his castles. I thanked him for the rare opportunity and announced my desire to leave immediately: I was feeling suffocated in my new house.
Palace number 77 looked quite simple on the outside—a white cubic base topped with a black cylinder. We walked in and took the stairs to the cylindrical section lined with thousands of bookshelves. We went up to the top, to the open bar, and sat on the ugly green chairs facing the sunset. Alphonso Beard poured me a drink.
"How is your thirty-fourth wife feeling, Mister Beard? I heard she had some trouble with her teeth last night."
"She is fine, Doc. Our wonderful Mrs. Sweet Hellfire reinstalled all her teeth. I might visit her tonight; all that thinking about flesh and new mouth usually makes me really horny."
I coughed, "I wonder how a busy man like you can handle so many wives? For example, how do you remember all their names?"
"There's a guide for that in the library," the mask replied. "It is called Always Say Less than Necessary. By the way, my thirty-fourth wife is from Bolivia, Mrs. Hydra UnstoppableTide. She arrived at the Warrior Farm to become a simple baker… Ah, the most extraordinary baker, I must admit, but I made her my wife and the Judge of the Board Committee. You'll meet her soon enough, Doctor Harmless," Alphonso said as he placed his empty glass on the napkin with the infinity circle.
An eerie thought pierced through me. I had seen that sign of two rings before, in the cave where the cold body of the sheriff had been left to rot. We looked at each other, a flicker of tension between us.
"You know what... I think, you need to rest, Doc. Tomorrow, at 6:00 a.m., we'll meet again at the Board meeting, where you'll have to prove your innocence in the matter of the sheriff's murder."
"It will be easy," I said with triumphant confidence.
"No doubt, we know it was Mrs. Sweet Hellfire." Alphonso Beard said.
"What is the sentence for murder in your country? I'm just curious..."
"The punishment is quite mild: a) the slave market in the Block Province; it's located on the border with the Beluga Clan. Or b) a hundred thousand blows on the Peace Square in the middle of our town. Let me assure you, either way, you'll be fully satisfied, Dr. Harmless." The man in a mask paused. "You still can always marry my second assistant; I've heard you were truly impressed when you met her this morning."
I didn't say anything... I needed time to think.
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