Bullet's Adventure: Chasing Sobekneferu - chapter 22
Just imagine how it feels: waking up in a castle with a blonde PA named Ms. Break de Roof sniffing your yellow knitted pants, freeing your “iron-hard warrior,” and then casually reminding you that you’re a detective suspected of killing a sheriff.
Welcome to the serialized story of Mr. Harmless Bullet! For the audio version - scroll down. Genre: satire, absurdist comedy, adult humor (16+)
Written with the Tristan Tzara method - read about it here
Complete story, chapter by chapter:
Angela Marrant
CHAPTER 22. THE FACE OF TYRANNY
The Warrior Farm was the first place in the Gunung Kinabalu Kingdom that had all the usual features any town in the world has: a pond with a big park, a market, a bank, a big circus with sexy acrobats, a police force, a strong army, an excellent high-tech hospital, landline phones, and a post office. It looked civilized and reminded me of my hometown, Rsa.
My private castle with seven housekeepers (whom I hadn't met yet) was located in the Prudent Village—the Warrior Farm's headquarters. I decided to take a walk there because, luckily enough, Ms. Sweet Hellfire had a new appointment with Alphonso Beard's thirty-fourth wife (she got a painful toothache last night).
Of course, my wife wasn't happy about leaving me alone. She looked as if she wanted to scratch my eyes out when I happily explained to her my decision to visit my estate this morning, and perhaps to spend the night in separate bedrooms.
She picked up her dentistry implements—razor-sharp and extremely hard—and came closer to me. I dreaded her next move, and I was right to fear: my wife began to shed her fur. Under her skin, just as I expected, hid the ugliest creature with colorless eyes, rotten teeth, and greenish skin.
I pursed my lips in a soundless whistle, "Can you slow it down a bit, wifey? I don't know if I'm ready for this kind of change…"
I wanted to walk away, but Mrs. Sweet Hellfire was faster: she grabbed my legs, hung me upside down, and injected my neck with some hydrazaline-pentazalicine- domino-porfinatus drug. My body went limp...
I woke up in my castle.
"How's your appetite?" asked the sweetest voice above my head. "I'm Alphonso Beard's second assistant, and my name is Ms. Break de Roof."
I opened my eyes wider, feeling how the sea of hot flames ran through my veins. The woman who spoke to me was blonde, young, and fresh, with smooth olive skin and provocative grey eyes.
"Let's break everything we can," I said.
She gave a wild, choked scream, then threw herself on my chair, knocked me down on my back, and started to sniff my yellow knitted pants, nibbling and blowing wildly, left and right. After that odd operation, she abruptly stood up, walked to my head, then turned around and lifted her leg to climb over me. Slowly, she lowered herself down while stroking her breasts down my face.
Only then did she finally free my iron-hard warrior from its prison.
I smiled, expecting to see the rest of such a welcoming gesture. To my surprise, Ms. Break de Roof glanced down at my wild forest, chuckled, and stopped her sliding body-to-body process.
She quickly changed her position and said, "Well, we can't stay in bed screwing all the time, Dr. Harmless. You have your professional duties; our president would like to meet you to discuss LKED disease. Ah, and don't forget your lovely wife."
"I'd rather kill myself than spend one more night with her," I confessed.
"Give her a chance. Ms. Sweet Hellfire fasted for too long..."
"Because nobody wanted her?" I joked.
"Not necessarily… Her husband died a month ago, and we are still in the stage of mourning."
"No wonder he died. Do you know the reason?" I replied.
"I heard some rumors… According to the first assistant, her husband was poisoned, but we never investigated it properly," she sighed. "I suppose you'd like to know the truth… I've heard you are a detective."
I nodded.
She continued, "But you still have to prove to our Board that you didn't kill the sheriff. Not that I care much, but she was one of us once. I think the brain of our community, the Head of the Warrior Farm, our Apollon of Fierce Power, or simply Alphonso Beard was in love with her… strongly. She was his favorite ex-wife and a member of Hamilton's inner circle. As you have probably guessed, she delivered the information we needed: mostly about the deals between Beluga Clan and The Screw Quarter. When we lost our best spy, we had to find and train a new one, which takes time. I hope you get that? And time is something we don't have, Dr. Harmless. Our people are dying."
I didn't care much about this town or the people. I wanted her breasts on my face, moving up and down like a few minutes ago.
"My dearest, Ms. Break de Roof, something in those knitted pants is dying from thirst, too," I whispered, shaking from lust.
I hoped that in her last words had been hidden some cryptic meaning about our soon-to-happen erotic session.
"What if you are contagious? Did you figure out a cure for LKED?" the woman asked doubtfully.
"How so? I haven't encountered any sick citizens yet. Can you give me some idea of the nature of LKED?" I frowned.
"We have confidence that people who are sick—at least, most of them—are going through the shedding process," the second assistant sadly explained.
I pictured my wife this morning, the changes she went through in her look, and I felt sorry for myself. Then, just as I was standing in front of a giant stone table, I noticed a persistent, rending, sweet smell.
I opened the pan wrapped in bamboo leaves: there lay seven raw eyeballs in an unknown sauce. The rays of the sun did a perfect job on that dish; wicked worms of different kinds savored the juices, changing the color of the bloody eyes to green. I have to admit, it wasn't my definition of tasty and healthy.
While I was busy with my two-week-old breakfast, Ms. Break de Roof mysteriously disappeared.
I was disappointed, but the hunger in my belly called for a real meal. I rang the bell. Seven beautiful, perfectly dressed housekeepers entered the dining room. Each of them had a tail—a Bluetooth or Wi-Fi-connected animatronic tail - that only the real owner could control. As I understood it, the tail allowed the wearer to express emotions without any conversation.
"Hello, my ladies! I called you to change my morning meal. I can't eat those raw eyeballs; I am a vegan. I'd prefer something simple, like eggs with bacon," I ordered.
All seven tails made the erect tremble movement.
"It's not what's in the food, it's what's been done to the food that matters," the mechanical male voice from the wall answered.
Astonished, I turned to the glowing screen. I knew, somewhere inside there's a watcher with a remote control. By the tone of his voice, I could tell that the person enjoyed the game. I was a delicious little toy to him. I shivered and leaned against the wall.
"Well, I'm happy to see you are willing to help me, ladies. Good work, you all. You can leave now… please?" Unconsciously, I clasped my hands together and kneeled in a praying position.
They didn't listen. With big smiles on their faces and the Happy Wag dance of their tails, they surrounded me in a circle and cornered me in the chair. Fourteen hands quickly wrapped my body in some sticky curtain—tightly, around and around—and fed me the two-week-old breakfast.
"Everything is okay?" the cheerful head of Ale de Sandwich popped out from the door.
“Everything is great, The First Assistant!" the sharp voice from the blue screen on the wall announced.
The seven housekeepers wagged their tails with pride and joy. The Warrior Farm town reminded me of the words of Jean Racine: "The face of tyranny is always mild at first…"
WANT TO LISTEN?
Are you new here? Check out my WHO IS ANGELA page to learn more about me. I write spicy absurd, satire, comedy, and adult humor.
Do you have a friend who could use more fun in their life? :) Feel free to share this (or any) post with anyone interested in absurdity or surreal humor.