Welcome to the serialized story of Mr. Harmless Bullet! Since I was away for a while, I will publish two to three chapters a day. For the audio version - scroll down.
Genre: satire, absurdist comedy, adult humor (16+)
Written with the Tristan Tzara method - read about it here
Complete story, chapter by chapter:
Angela Marrant
CHAPTER 20. THE FOREST LOVERS
I woke up on the grass in the woods, covered by a greasy napkin, a hundred bright yellow beetles with black markings, and the sheriff's lifeless naked body. I lay on my back and tried to breathe steadily.
"What a mess! This is the result of your sexual ego, Bullet," I said aloud, looking at the moonlight.
It is not that I object to this kind of game, mind you, I like the fresh leaves, loose rocks, warm soil, deserted caves, and the sound of the water - it all turns me on. I can make love outside for hours if there's decent bug spray or a hot woman. But the idea of killing during sexual intercourse, especially the local sheriff on duty, made me fear for my sanity, freedom, and life.
Did I do it?
I crawled out from under the sheriff's body that had become cold and heavy. Ironically, the beetles disproved of my escape; they ejected some intensely acrid fluid on my feet, which immediately started to burn. I could feel the strength draining out of me and waves of persistent faint nausea flowing through me.
Despite the pain, I stood up and looked around. I recalled how we stopped near a beautiful waterfall surrounded by overgrown brambles.
"Here it is - our royal cemetery! There's no better spot in the world where you can let go of your worries, duties, and curious eyes," the sheriff explained.
I understood she was familiar with the area when she invited me into the hidden grotto down the path. There, she took off her purple kimono and began to sponge her breasts with the muddy, cold water. Anxious, I pulled down my trunks, presenting to her sight the latest cut from Mrs. WickedBreaker. The sheriff's excitement and the nod of her head made me tremble.
"Stop shaking!" she ordered.
"Sorry, my body vibrates by itself," I tried to control my twitching knees.
As I stood there, holding my penis in the ready position, I felt as if I had been struck in the back with a club. Then, the same firm hand splintered that club above my head. I made a surprised noise and fell to the ground.
"Hmm, a greasy napkin?" I picked it up and sniffed it.
It should be some kind of clue, I knew that, but I had a splitting headache, plus, I had to deal with the disposal of the sheriff's body. Unfortunately, I couldn't get back to the Screw Quarter and ask them for help because Hamilton's sisters would gladly lynch me.
And just when I had given up all hope (as it always happens in novels and fairytales), I caught a strange white glimmer amongst the trees on the opposite side of the royal cemetery. At first, I thought it was a zombie who'd like to eat the brains I don't have; then, I thought it was a mysterious, horny ghost who'd dreamed of shaking my stupid body until I'd become invisible, too.
The humid blackness crept slowly over me. I stood breathless, waiting.
After a couple of minutes, I heard a cranky voice behind me. I wasn't able to decipher the message as it had been pronounced in the local language. I was ready to meet my opponent, but when I turned and saw the bulky, tall sack-body, covered in brown filth with a horn in his (or her) hands, weighing 180 pounds, I screamed and fled, leaving the sheriff's dead body behind me.
"Are you alright?" A worried voice above my face brought me back to my senses.
"I don't know. I think I saw a long-haired snowman near the royal cemetery."
"Probably Ms. Sweet Hellfire? She is our dentist. Wildlife and wicked insects are her hobbies. She will be very helpful to you, Doctor Harmless, if I'm not wrong, hehe, you are working in the same field." The man smiled and stretched out his hand to me. "My name is Ale de Sandwich. I am the first assistant of our Body, the Head of the Warrior Farm, our Apollon of Fierce Power, or simply, Mister Alphonso Beard. It's such a proud moment for us all to welcome you to our town." He paused. "Your castle, your seven housekeepers, and a full English breakfast are ready and waiting. How was your trip? I've heard that the sheriff had planned to escort you to our gates."
I stretched my legs with the help of the caring Ale de Sandwich and replied, "We had a pleasant trip, but then rain suddenly splashed the road, and we hid in the cave… I fell asleep. It seems the sheriff left the grotto in the middle of the night, and I have not seen her since."
"Um, she may have met Ms. Sweet Hellfire and told her to take care of you. That's my explanation!" the man laughed carelessly.
"I hope she didn't," I whispered.
"You don't happen to remember which of the grottos it was, do you? We have so many located at different ages of our farm."
"No, I don't. How many are there?" I was annoyed by his presence but couldn't decline his honeyed hospitality.
"Hundreds, I believe. Only Ms. Sweet Hellfire knows. Ah, there she is…"
I glanced to my left. A dark spot, something with rough, grey, oily hair, moved towards me.
"Morning, Ale! Let me take care of our precious guest!" Ms. Sweet Hellfire said in perfect English.
When the fully satisfied assistant left us, she stopped, took my panicked face in her hands, and declared, "If you don't marry me, I'm going to tell Alphonso Beard that you killed his ex-wife."
"But I didn't do it," I replied.
"Listen, it's either marriage or death. What's it going to be, Mr. Harmless?" The monstrous yeti-woman grinned.
It took only 0.0000000003 seconds - I gazed one more time at her solid arms. 'What the hell!' And decided, 'I'll take my chances...'
I shouted, "DEATH!!!"
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